Join Capital Zoo as we peer into our crystal ball and review the year that’s about to be:
January 4: President Trump claims that the voice on the infamous Access Hollywood tape is really Hilary Clinton’s. Congressional Republicans demand an investigation into Clinton’s sexual assaults.
February 11: Soohorang, the official mascot of the 2018 PyeongChang Winter Olympics, is banned for blood doping.
February 20: President Trump signs an executive order requiring all federal agencies to pay government contractors in Bitcoin.
March 4: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announces that actors credibly accused of sexual assault or harassment are ineligible for Oscars. As a result, the Academy Award for Best Actor goes to Stormtrooper #2 from The Last Jedi.
March 14: Video surfaces of President Trump thanking Vladimir Putin for throwing the election to him. Congressional Republicans call for the appointment of a special counsel into Clinton.
April 7: Fresh off his Oscar win, Stormtrooper #2 wins season 26 of Dancing with the Stars.
April 20: The Homeland Security Department finishes construction of Trump’s border wall. However, due to a precipitous drop in the value of Bitcoins, the contractor is underpaid. As a result, the wall is thirty inches tall.
May 2: Lin-Manuel Miranda premieres his new musical, Trump, in which he successfully rhymes “Scaramucci” with “Pair of Guccis” and “Grab her tushie.”
May 5: President Trump rolls over his phone in bed, accidentally tweeting out 280 characters of gibberish. It is retweeted 784,000 times.
May 6: CNN devotes its entire day of programming to analyzing Trump’s tweet.
May 17: Stormtrooper #2 gets his own talk show on NBC.
June 1: The alt-right movement, suffering from a profoundly hostile public image, changes its name to “Crabtree & Evelyn.”
June 2: Ivanka Trump announces her new line of body lotions will be sold exclusively at Crabtree & Evelyn. It is not immediately clear which one she is referring to.
June 18: Special counsel Robert Mueller announces his team has found definitive proof that President Trump personally colluded with Russia during the 2016 election. Congressional Republicans commence impeachment hearings on Hillary Clinton.
June 20: North Korean ruler Kim Jong Un opens a Twitter account. Surprisingly, most of his posts are Stranger Things fan fiction and retweets of Bobby Flay recipes.
June 28: Hillary Clinton releases her next book, What Happened During the What Happened Book Tour, and its follow-up, How What Happened Happened During the What Happened During the What Happened Book Tour Book Tour.
July 6: Steve Bannon announces he is temporarily removing himself from public life.
July 7: Steve Bannon’s neighbors report seeing a six-foot tall chrysalis growing in Bannon’s living room, accompanied by a strange vibration.
July 15: House Republicans demand the appointment of a special counsel to investigate Special Counsel Robert Mueller. House Democrats respond by calling for the appointment of a special counsel to investigate the Special Counsel investigating the Special Counsel.
July 25: The Department of Labor reports that 63 percent of working-age adults in the Washington, DC, metropolitan area currently are employed by special counsels.
August 3: The Trump administration issues a directive to agencies banning additional words, including “education,” “organic,” and “Mueller”
August 12: Looking to bolster their offense, the New York Yankees acquire Tectron X47, a sentient 15-door tall cyborg developed in Japan for a three-year, $591 million contract.
August 28: The Homeland Security Department acknowledges that, due to the devaluation of the Bitcoin, its 30-inch tall border wall was built out of blocks of government-surplus cheddar cheese.
September 1: The Border Patrol reports an unusually large number of feral mice entering the country illegally.
September 16: Every starting and back-up NFL quarterback gets a concussion, forcing the League to cancel the rest of the season. In an unrelated development, Colin Kaepernick begins working as a Jimmy John’s delivery boy.
September 23: Steve Bannon finally emerges from his chrysalis as a matterless black aura that floats above the surface of the Earth, menacing all who stand in its path, but mostly Jared Kushner.
October 2: Vice President Pence confesses that he once made eye contact with a woman who was not his wife and announces his immediate resignation from office.
October 10: President Trump’s first nominee to replace Vice President Pence is withdrawn when, during his Senate hearing, he fails to correctly identify the United States on a map.
October 15: President Trump’s second nominee to replace Pence is withdrawn when, during his Senate hearing, he admits to being Vladimir Putin with a fake mustache and nose.
November 6: The battle for control of the Senate comes down to Arizona, whose election is thrown into chaos when feral mice, having fully devoured the government-surplus cheddar cheese border wall, eat through thousands of paper ballots.
November 10: Paul Ryan relinquishes the Speakership and resigns from Congress to become the official spokesman for P90X.
November 15: Unable to find a candidate who is not the subject of an ongoing sexual harassment investigation, Republicans nominate Stormtrooper #2 to run for Ryan’s Wisconsin seat. He wins and is immediately elected Speaker of the House by acclamation.
December 5: Steve Bannon’s matterless black aura returns to work at Goldman Sachs, where it proceeds to make $5 billion hedging against the government’s use of Bitcoins.
December 30: Calling himself the winningest leader in the history of the world, Donald Trump announces he has nothing left to accomplish and resigns from the Presidency. Without a sitting Vice President, the line of succession falls to House Speaker Stormtrooper #2, who is administered the oath of office by newly confirmed Supreme Court Chief Justice Ted Nugent.
December 31: Billions of people around the world ring in the new year, vowing that 2019 will be a marked improvement over 2018.